On Mental Fortitude.

After a too-long hiatus from the Blog, I'm about to sit and write the Biggest Cliche of All -- how amazed and honored I am by being a part of the Crossfit community (after spectator-ing at my very first competition, no less). I'm also going to write about determination, because, you know, no one ever connects those two things. But it's my blog and I'll cliche if I want to (yes, Erin Kelly, I'm talking to you right now, hah). 

I came into this weekend a little bit of an outsider in this group. From a different tribe, different village and all that jazz. And I've been nothing less than welcomed with open and loving arms. Especially by my new hotel roomy, chauffeur, and bitch-don't-try-and-spoon-with-me-at-night bed companion, Anna Marra. And Kristen and Steve, who kept me alive by feeding me a constant supply of PaleoCrack all weekend. And of course, my lover at the front desk of the Days Inn Albany, who was our concierge to our posh digs. Complete with pool, spa, fully equipped gym, and rooftop bar. Riiiiight yeah. KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. 

As I reflect on the past two days, mentally prepare myself for tomorrow, and start sending fast deadlift and sled push vibes to our athletes that are competing again tomorrow I can't help but visualize myself, a year from now. Ten months if we get technical. I hope that -- no, i KNOW that I'll be repping unassisted pullups and strict pushups like it ain't no thang. We'll get to my own plan in a second (or in a near future post, which I promise doesn't mean another two months). I know that between my new Tribe in Jersey and my original crew at CFCC, combined with this being the Best Year EVER of my life, I can make this happen next year. 

But for now, we'll cut to the chase. Erin Davidson, aka Mama Bear, aka the one who, along with Greg Privitera taught me everything I know about Oly lifts and Crossfit, was without a doubt the hero of the day.  The one who trains at two gyms and clients' homes and lives out her car, the Tribe back office, the CFCC office, and her Center City apartment and yet somehow still has time to train herself to utter badassery. Who yells at everyone and I mean EVERYONE who overtrains but as far as I know, never sleeps. Today was her reckoning. 

21-15-9 couplets: 95# overhead squats and chest to bar pullups. Now, I don't work out with Erin a lot but I do stalk her workout log, and since I've seen 95# OHS floating around there I foolishly assumed that this would be cake for her. Easy. Reps all day. As soon as we heard 3-2-1 GO we knew this was not the case. We gathered there, our ridiculous, crazy Tribe of screams and cursing and good vibes and love enveloping that entire corner of the parking lot. We watched as Erin started picture perfect overhead squats. Screamed, pushed her through that first 21 in giant sets of 7 or 8 or a million. Other girls with the exception of a select 1 or 2 firebreathers were shaking uncontrollably under the weight, dropping it hard after 3 or 4 reps. And Erin banged them out like a champ. Back arched, knees out, chest up, all these things that she has said to me hundreds of times, I repeated under my breath, silently urging her on. I yelled to her when she dropped the bar on her back "GET THE BAR UP!" She didn't need to hear it, probably couldn't hear it at all, but it was like the energy inside me needed to go somewhere. So I screamed. 

Chest to bar pullups were next. I KNOW I've seen her rep these like crazy in the box, but not directly after heavy OHS. It was clear they weren't going to be easy after the first 5 or 6 reps. Pull, pull, pull, shake out the wrists. Again. Again. Again. Pick up the bar, behind your head, push it up, and squat. Fail. Squat again and again and again. Back to pullups. We're so loud at this point that the Crossfit Games videographer is filming us rather than the competitors. I can feel the veins in my neck popping from yelling so loud and as I stand up from where I'm crouched taking pictures, the blood rushes from my head and I get dizzy. But NO EFFING WAY am I going to be that girl that passed out from screaming. Not today my friend. Erin's on her last pullup of the second set and as she drops from the bar, her face is absolute agony. The bar comes up off the ground and goes overhead. I'm thinking she only has a few minutes left in the time allotment, and she's only going to be able to do sets of 1 and 2. Warren is yelling "THREE TWO ONE GO, ERIN" and there is this rush of energy from us and, I swear, injects directly into that girl's shoulders because she hits that last set STRAIGHT THROUGH. No stopping, no hesitation, no mercy. We're going crazy as she hits the pullup bar for the last time. Sets of two and one and on the last rep she bangs chest to bar and hits the ground, collapsing to catch her breath. Immediately we're all over her in a pile of hugs and congratulations. Seconds before the time is up, she's one of only three girls to even finish in the first heat. Unbelievable. 

So, I'M shaking and sweating like I just did the freaking workout myself. And the whole thing just comes crashing down on me and I'm in tears. FOR REAL. Everyone always says how this workout and that made them cry and I'm right there with them (ELIZABETH?), but I've never been so moved by the ability of a group to inspire and literally lift the bar with their love and energy. It's literally the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. But more than that, I'm blown away by the fight and determination I witnessed. That less than halfway through the workout I saw someone realize their limitations, realize that no sane person would even bother trying to finish the impossible, but decide right then and there that they absolutely refuse to stop pushing until the very end and to wind up being successful because of it. 

I saw it again later that day when Alyson Terranova went in for the same workout. The first round of overhead squats destroyed her and she could have hit the deck when she realized that she wouldn't finish, but she didn't. Up she went to the bar. Again and again, even as her arms went to failure. Up until the last second she was making attempts. And at the end of it all, when she was in tears with frustration, her Tribe was gathered around her, saying Alyson don't you DARE do anything but hold your head up. Because you're among the best of the best in this competition and you NEVER gave up. The same when Kto was faced with multiple snatches at her 1RM. In true Kto style, she shrugged, took off the aviators and pulled that shit for 3. And her hair looked damn good the whole time. SHAWTY. And the twins of Steve's Club who ripped their hands like crazy but managed to finish 50 chest to bar pullups each along with dozens of high pulls and cleans. So many people literally left pieces of themselves on the bar today. 

So may that flow into me over the coming months. Because I know that if I'm going to be lifting and sweating next to all of these people this summer I cannot and will not give up beside them, not if I want to be next to them in competition next year. When I think I can't lift it again, I will. When I could use the easier band for workouts, I'll pick the harder band. I'll run behind Erin Kelly to get faster and row next to Greengas to eke out  a few extra meters. I'll shut up and let Erin Davidson tell me what to do and what to eat. But most importantly, when I'm on round 3 of a 21-15-9 workout of any kind and my brain is all, "what in GOD'S NAME are you doing? Don't you know that normal people DO NOT DO THIS? Get back on the elliptical you lunatic, and put the kettlebell down," I will remember the shouts and screams of the people around me and allow that support to drown out the sound of my own mental anguish and doubts. 


Because you can always, as it turns out, pull just one more rep.